sadness on raya eve

i'll probably spend my first week of raya in a hospital.
my grandma got admitted in HUKM a few days ago.
she fell down and broke her leg.
she was supposed to undergo operation yesterday.
but it was postponed to today because she was having low blood pressure.
however, the doctor said that she was too weak to undergo an operation.
her body refuses the treatment that the hospital gave her.
it seem that the doctor will treat her without operation.
an alternative beside the operations.
but it kinda took longer time to heal.
and there's always risk.

today, i visited her in the hospital.
and i cried.
i cried when i see her conditions.
it was just so sad.
i haven't cried that hard since the other day i remembered my other arwah nenek.
syukur, nenek still remembers me.
that's a relief.
i avoid speaking to any of my relatives for a while.
i can't really speak.
there are no words left to speak.

i really hope that she will get better.
i prayed for her to be better than ever.
i just lost one grandma 2 years ago.
i am not prepared to lost another one.
yeah, i know.
no one can predict when one is dying.
but truly, not right now.
please...just not right now.